America, Love It or Not

Younger Facebook Users Care More About Privacy?

2010-05-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

A recent study indicates that younger Facebook users are more likely to enact privacy controls. The conclusions made in the PCWorld article are bit shaky. They assume that younger people are more privacy-conscious in general without accounting for the fact that they are also 100 times more likely to have embarrassing content online. How many passed-out naked pictures do you see of 60-year-old men?

Office Pranks

2010-05-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a very short list of (mostly penis-related) office pranks:

If someone has a white board that is really dirty even when it is erased, clean off a penis-shaped area in the center with white-board cleaner.
(Only works in some places) If someone falls asleep, write something classified or sensitive on their forehead with permanent marker.
Cut out a piece of paper in the shape of a 3-inch penis. Then, tape it to the bottom of someone's mouse so it covers the tracking ball/laser.

More to come later!

Bay to Breakers

2010-05-17T22:07:00.001-07:00

I got to experience the real San Francisco this weekend in the form of Bay to Breakers. I didn't take any pictures, but Google will show you everything you want to see. If you want the real experience, try searching for Bay to Breakers with safesearch turned off. Here are some things I have learned, and seen, in no particular order.

Smoking cigarettes in SF is not cool. They are bad for you, and illegal to smoke in bars.
Smoking pot is encouraged and accepted, especially in bars.
Lots of cocaine (by my standards)
Way more man cock than I bargained for
San Francisco has excellent electronic music.
Things that you cannot get arrested for:
- Drugs
- Being naked
- Peeing on a bush 10 feet from a cop car
- Drinking booze on the other side of the street laughing at the guy almost peeing on a cop car

Thanks San Francisco! (and thanks Jeremy for inviting me to the "drunken shit show")

Well-Traveled Women

2010-05-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

If you're like me you've used the Internet. The latest trend in online dating advertisements, which can be found on any less-than-reputable website, is to show pictures of women who live nearby. When you are looking for hotties without scruples, you don't really want to leave a 10-mile radius. IP geo-location to the rescue!

Here are some fine ladies who live near Silver Spring. What a coincidence, so do I!

Oh wait, now they're in Lansing...

San Francisco...

Apparently the bottom one didn't make it to Switzerland, she is scared of flying, and boats.

Now here's an interesting predicament. These two advertisers can't seem to figure out whether to sell me sex in Puerto Rico or in East Lansing.

I continue to be amazed by the ways in which technology improves quality of life.

How Not to Make a Car Bomb

2010-05-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

The recent car bombing attempt in Times Square makes me feel a little bit safer. If people who have the will to carry out a terrorist attack only have the intelligence to come up with the hilarious contraption discovered in the Nissan Pathfinder in Times Square, then we can all rest easy. Apparently, the "three-stage" explosive device used to carry out the attempted attack was based on watching James Bond and other action movies, rather than actual science. It was about what you'd get from a giving fourth grader a $100 dollar bill and 20 minutes in a hardware store. It's usually not cool to poke fun at attempted bombings, but this one is too funny to resist. Here are a few of the highlights:

The man packed a gun locker with fertilizer. However, it wasn't the kind of ammonium-based fertilizer that actually explodes. It was normal fertilizer that you can get at any store. He may as well have filled the locker with sand. Glad he doesn't know how to use Google or Wikipedia!
He strapped firecrackers to the outside of propane tanks. That's right, thick, steel propane tanks that are designed to withstand tremendous pressure. And the firecrackers? You might get a blister if you let one explode in your hand. And oh yeah, the valves on the tanks were closed, so even if the firecrackers caused a spark, absolutely nothing would happen.
Finally, there were some full cans of gas, also closed. Apparently gasoline still needs oxygen to explode.

End result: several fire crackers ignite, smoke comes out of car, hot dog vendor calls police, vehicle owner, who used his own car for the "bombing", goes to jail. We should all be thankful that those American citizens who have half a brain are not terrorists!

MSU Noobs

2010-04-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is why you always have your drunk friend keep watch at the laundry room door:

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/23170322/detail.html

Seriously - how hard is it to steal panties from an empty laundry room without getting caught?

2010-03-30T18:57:00.001-07:00

The front page of the Republican National Committee's website right now has a scary picture of Nancy Pelosi with a nice red-flame background. It looks really professional. Here is a screen shot.

Politics seems pretty easy. All you have to do is complain about and say you are going to fire the person in power who is actually doing stuff. People don't like stuff. George Bush proved that.

Want to make one of your own political ads? I have created a "Fire _____" template. I even filled one in for George Bush that would have worked in any recent election as an example. Political campaigning is easy, try it for yourself!

I Thought So

2010-03-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the Prius driver was bankrupt and several months late on his car payments. I wonder how many drivers who are on time with their car payments have had similar sudden acceleration issues?

Runaway Prius a Hoax?

2010-03-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

When I first saw today's headline about a runaway Prius in the L.A. times, I thought "Sucks to be Toyata, they must have missed a car in the recall." After reading the article, however, it started to look like an elaborate hoax - one that may end up costing Toyota millions. Many of the comments on the story at latimes.com seem to suggest the same. Here are some facts from the story that just don't add up:

The guy took the car into the Toyota dealer recently, and it was not part of the recall. Possible mistake, but this is highly unlikely.

He pressed the brake to the floor, but it didn't slow down the car. Most cars with good brakes can lock up all four wheels at any speed. A Prius isn't exactly a torque-machine. Its acceleration is pretty weak and should be easily overpowered by the brakes.

The car was accelerating for 20 minutes before it could be stopped. I don't know if any of you have ever driven on a freeway with other cars before, but it is nearly impossible to go 90 MPH for 5 minutes - let alone 20 - without hitting traffic. Unless he was passing cars on the shoulder (unlikely), he would have definitely hit another vehicle in 20 minutes.

He called 911. If you were speeding along at 90 MPH and unable to stop, would you call 911 (if it wasn't a hoax)? What is 911 going to tell you that you don't already know? Wouldn't you be scared to take a hand off the wheel when weaving in and out of traffic and passing on the shoulder?

The man claims that the reason he didn't shift into neutral is that he thought the car might go into reverse. If he had said "I just didn't think about shifting into neutral" then this would be a believable story. One psychological trait of someone creating a hoax is attracting attention and trying to paint oneself in a positive light. To not seem like an idiot, he had to answer the question "Why didn't you just shift into neutral?" with a response that made him seem smart: "I thought it would go into reverse." However, this answer is dumber than not thinking of switching to neutral in the first place. Not only would the car not allow you shift into reverse at 90 MPH, but wouldn't reverse actually be a good thing because it would lock up your wheels and/or drop the transmission?

These unlikely events don't prove that the latest runaway Toyota is a hoax, but they are quite suspicious. If I were a betting man, I would give 4 to 1 odds of a hoax. Regardless of how this turns out, one thing is for certain: this event is yet another PR disaster for Toyota. If news breaks that the whole thing was a hoax, Toyota owners will still be frightened. At the very least, those who read this story but don't see next week's headline about the whole thing being made up will be terrified to buy Toyotas for life.

Afterthought: There isn't anything much more American than fabricating an elaborate hoax to draw attention to oneself (aliens, balloon boy, etc.). Double props to this guy for constructing a hoax that also makes consumers scared to purchase foreign automobiles and further strengthens the American economy.

Male Generosity

2010-02-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

When you get 40 inches of snow in a week, people need help shoveling out their cars. Here is a table of what a female needs to give a male to help her shovel, broken down by her attractiveness and his college major.

Hotness	Law	Engineering	General Studies
1	Court Order	First Kiss	Place to Sleep
2	$50	Attention	Pizza
3	$40	Eye Contact	Burrito
4	$30	5 GP in WoW	Joint
5	$20	Free	Ham Sandwich
6	$15	Free	Snickers
7	$10	Free	M&M
8	$5	Free	Free
9	Free	N/A (Too Scared)	Free
10	Free	N/A (Way Too Scared)	Free

Computer Engineer Barbie

2010-02-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently Barbie has become the one blonde woman in your computer engineering class. (See the Gizmodo article.) Because I am a nerd, I actually took time to decode the binary on Barbie's computer screen, which reads: 'Barbie'.

Going to Jail and Your Career

2010-02-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

Lil Wayne will soon be heading off to jail for gun possession. Although jail is a bad thing for most people, Lil Wayne is "Looking forward to it." (See Rolling Stone Article.) Some have also speculated that going to jail will help Lil Wayne's career, like it did for Tupac (see Does Going to Jail Make Rappers Cool?).

Let's take a look at some American careers and see if they benefit from time behind bars:

Rapper: yes
Doctor: no
Lawyer: no
Priest: no
Banker: no
Homeless: yes
Engineer: no
Construction worker: no
Factory worker: no
Pharmacist: no
Bank teller: no
Gangsta: yes
Congressman: no
Burger flipper at McDonalds: no
Professional golfer: no
Professional football player:
- Dallas Cowboys: yes
- Others: no
Governer:
- Illinois: yes
- Others: no
Mayor:
- Detroit and DC: yes
- Others: no

Massachusetts Senate Election Revisited

2010-02-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

They voted for Obama only one year ago, but have changed their minds now that he is trying to fulfill his campaign promises. How can this be? In lieu of a magic 8-ball, let's turn to Google to find the answer to this extremely important question:

"Why..." Okay, so there are more fascinating things than politics (poop and nipples, primarily).

"Why did m..." Well, I suppose we all know that Michael Jackson's skin color is more important than the future of health care reform.

"Why did mas..." Finally Massachusetts comes up on the radar, but not before Mase - the quintessential rapper. I am impressed and surprised, however, by the Maslow hit.

Anyway, let's view the results and get to the bottom of this! As you can see, the most reliable source of information on this topic is Yahoo answers, which is slightly above the New York Times (#2), a Craigslist rant (#3), GayPatriot (#4), CNN.com (#6), Reuters (#8), a "Democrats are Destroying America!" Facebook group (#21), the Wall Street Journal (#30), PBS.org (#60), and finally: news.yahoo.com (#68).

And here's the highest rated reply on Yahoo answers:

"Gandolf the grey told him to."

And there you have it...

Google + Yahoo = enlightenment

Is... ?

2010-01-30T22:12:00.001-08:00

Sorry Lady Gaga, the American public thinks you have a penis.

Also, props to the Mayans for creating almost as much of a stir about 2012 as there was about 2000 without having been smart enough to invent the wheel.

Is Khloe Kardashian pregnant? I don't know, I didn't see that sex tape.

Is pneumonia contagious? Again, I don't know, perhaps you should ask someone who died from it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Deaths_from_pneumonia.

Does... ?

2010-01-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

Google is, of course, an oracle that can answer even the most retarded questions. Does he like me? Yes! This is even cheaper than buying a magic 8-ball!

Google can also answer the most deep questions in life: does extenze work, and, more importantly, does extenze really work?

I have another question, if extenze really did work and you paid for it, would you be more likely to have sex? Of course! The only thing that a woman cares about -- especially one who has never (and will never) see you naked -- is the size of your penis.

Why Does... ?

2010-01-30T21:59:00.001-08:00

Speechless...

Is Google Racist?

2010-01-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

It is a question that so many Americans want to ask: "Why are... ?" But before we can type our question, Google is nice enough to suggest some options. Here is what we all want to know:

Why are...

Black people so loud? Because Google is Racist

The Kardashian's famous? Because Kim made a good sex tape

Michael Jackson's kids white? Because they're scared of his ghost

There school? ... self-explanatory

We here? I don't know, but the Kardashians are a bigger mystery.

This is the first installment of what I like to call "What would Google say?"

Moving to Maryland? Bring your MasterCard!

2010-01-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

Maryland state vehicle inspection: $75

Fixing perfectly running car to pass vehicle inspection: $1200

Maryland Income Taxes - Michigan Income Taxes for one year: $1100

Receiving a letter saying you have to come take a vehicle emissions test and pay $14: $14

New driver's license: $40

Corrected driver's license (because MVA screwed up your birthday on the first one): $30

(total $2459)

Living in a state where you can't buy beer at a grocery store: priceless

Baseball Analogies

2010-01-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

I must have wasted a good fifteen minutes during lunch today trying to fully understand the game of baseball, an American classic. Everyone knows first base, second base, third base, and home plate, so I'll skip those.

Infield Fly - When you try to ask a girl out by stalking her and sending her an e-mail

RBI - Being a good wingman

Double Play - Being a bad wingman

Triple Play - Probably going to get your ass kicked

The Minor Leagues - Alcohol

Little League - GHB

Randy Johnson - Adriana Lima

Tim Wakefield - A lesbian

Sacrifice Bunt - Bunts are kind of quick and sneaky, but rarely result in getting to first base yourself. A sac bunt is when your buddy is talking to a girl, you walk up and grab her ass, then he punches you in the face.

Sacrifice Fly - Less sneaky than a bunt. Your friend is talking to girl. You walk up to her friend and ask if she wants to have sex. If she says "Ewww, no," then he punches you in the face. If she says yes... well sometimes those fly balls go over the fence.

Grand Slam - Gangbang, definitely gangbang